7. Part 2: Behind the Chair to Behind the Screen

Recording this episode was ROUGH but so incredibly healing at the same time. Many people in my life don’t know what went down behind the scenes for me in the last few years. We often only see the beautiful portraits of motherhood. But giving birth three years ago launched me into one of the darkest moments of my life. Have you ever reached a point in your life where it looks like you’re living the dream to the outside world, but on the inside, you’re drowning?

I hope this episode makes you feel less alone. Wherever you’re at. One in nine postpartum women experience symptoms of depression. It’s important to me to speak candidly about my experience going through these symptoms while continuing to show up behind the chair and build my own studio. When I finally achieved everything I had ever dreamed of, I felt worse than ever before. I love my daughter and I love my past clients. But this is the story of how I faced failure and had to pivot to find the happiest, most beautiful version of my life I could. 

In this Episode, I Cover: 

• The blessing of getting pregnant after 5 years of trying
• The Challenges of Working While Pregnant
• My Darkest Hour: Experiencing Postpartum Depression and Anxiety 
• My business crumbling and realizing it was time to let go of my identity as a hair stylist 
• The decision to sell my studio and become a full time social media manager

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Transcript

 Today, I am talking all about part two of my story.
Story so if you haven't listened to part one yet I suggest you go back and listen to part one of my story because there will be some gaps that you do not understand in this part of the story so I'm going to go ahead and give you a second to flip back to part one but come right on back to part two after you listen to part one. So today's episode is really going to be focusing on the the last three years of my business.
These past three years have not only shaped my business, but changed my life and I am excited, nervous.

[1:13] And all the things, but hey, it's important for us to share our stories with our audience.
So I'm hoping that this pushes you to share your own story. your own story. I have been putting off talking about this part of my story forever. Truly only a handful of people know, and it's mostly my family, know what went on in my life the past three years. And some of my family truly doesn't even know. And so I have just been putting this off. I think whenever we go through hard things, it's really hard sometimes to show up and show that part of ourselves. So here I am, I'm going to be talking to you getting raw and real about the last three years of my life. Let's start off with.

[2:11] Where we left off. So I had just gotten pregnant. Now, my husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for five years. We tried for five years. It was so hard. And those of you that have experienced infertility, my thoughts and prayers are always with you because it is truly such a huge struggle. And it not only is a struggle for you, but it can also be a struggle within your marriage and my heart just always goes out to you and I hope that you can feel my love for you if you are going through this but when she finally came when we finally realized that we were going to be parents we were just over the moon excited at the time my husband was still in school I was working behind the chair four days a week 12 hour days now I, I know some of you stylists are going to say what the actual heck lens, what were you doing?
Why were you doing that? You know better than that.
And I did, but we can kind of dive into that in a separate episode of why I did that.
But I think we all can kind of agree that sometimes when you start to see the success rolling in for yourself, that's when I had just become a hair extension specialist, you, tend to fall back into old patterns, right? So that was where I was at.
I was seeing this massive growth in my business in a way that I never expected.

[3:38] And so I started falling into old patterns. But that is where I was at.
We had big goals. I had big goals for my business. We had big goals for our personal life.
And so I just put my head down and was working.
Do I recommend this schedule when you are huge and pregnant?
Absolutely freaking not. Honestly, I was so huge.
And if you knew me when I was pregnant, bless you.
I was so huge. Oh my gosh, I just retained so much water and from working so much, my legs were giant.
Like literally at the end of the night, pretty much my whole pregnancy, I had to sleep on the couch.
And so Trent would have to help me lift my legs up to elevate them to have some of the water drain out.
Like it was, like pregnancy is so, so weird. And I was so swollen that like when we actually went into the hospital, first of all, I had to be induced.
I'm just gonna back up. So I had to be induced. I was 10 days late with her.
I was absolutely miserable.
It was in the middle of COVID.
She was born Cinco de Mayo, 2020. And so as you might remember, you may not remember, We were in the middle of full-blown COVID.

[4:57] And it was to the point where my doctor couldn't even tell me what was going to happen the day that I was induced.
It was changing daily at that point on what the hospital standards were.

[5:10] Whether Trent was going to be able to be in the delivery room with me or he was not going to be allowed in the delivery room with me, I was terrified.
Stress was so high. No matter what you were going through in life at that time, stress was so high, anxiety was so high.
It was just a really hard time for everybody. But I was so scared. But going back to me being swollen and huge and pregnant, nurses were literally coming into my room and touching my legs and my arms and my belly because I was pitting so bad because I was so swollen. Like.

[5:45] You would touch me and this indent would just stay for a long time and it would slowly fill back up. It was wild. I felt like I was kind of like an attraction at the zoo or something where they were like, Wow, this is so crazy. Wow, you poor thing. You're so swollen. And I'm like, Okay, enough with the crap. I just need her out of my freaking body.
But anyways, I'm not going into my birth story today. But it is relevant, though, to know that this was in the middle of COVID because we were all already going through so many things in life that being pregnant at that time and having a baby, that was really, really hard for me.
It was a lot, but 2020, I bet we can all agree with this. 2020 really opened our eyes, business and in life.
It helped us realize what we didn't like about our reality that was before COVID hit.

[6:40] And made us realize some things that we wanted to change.
Maybe some things that you were like, wow, I did that really well, but how am I going to change this moving forward with what's going on in the world today.

[6:54] I remember as I was in between contractions, oh my gosh this part is so crazy, I was texting my clients about how salons had opened back up here in Arizona. Like literally in between contractions I'm sending messages like pain, nurses in there making sure I was okay. Then I was like again back fiercely texting my clients. Oh my gosh. I was literally even scheduling appointments in in between this time, I remember thinking at that moment that this crazy schedule of working that much behind the chair was just not going to work as I was laying there about to give birth.
Literally, I'm texting people saying, hey, my assistant at the time can help you.

[7:36] And I was planning on being back behind the chair within six weeks, which actually was four weeks, which you'll kind of hear why that was happening later on in my story, but yeah, within four weeks, I was back in the salon after having Lennon.
It was wild.
From the moment Lennon was born, she has never been a sleeper, never been a sleeper.
Like honestly, we should have known even in the hospital because she hardly even slept in the hospital.
Lennon was up about every 45 minutes for the first seven months of her life.
Trent and I would literally take turns sleeping on the couch, so we lived in this really small apartment, like basement apartment in someone's home, wild, like such a crazy time in our life.

[8:25] And we would take turns, so like the living room and the kitchen we're kind of like the same room.

[8:30] And so we would leave the microwave light on, we had her little mini crib thing by us, and we would take turns sleeping on the couch because it was literally like every 45 minutes she was awake, whether she was hungry or she just wanted to cry. It was every 45 minutes for the first seven months of her life. Then it started turning into four to five times a night till she was about two. And ever since then, she's still up at least once a night, sometimes twice. She has handful of times has slept through the night and those are the most magical nights but i can tell you like i am so used to not sleeping now which is not good by the way that when she does sleep through the night i wake up such in like a daze and confused and my body's like what is happening, but it's it's just crazy how little she how little sleep she needs to just be this energizer bunny all day long. We have never been able to even transfer her. You know how like, as parents, they fall asleep in the car, right? And then you're like, okay, cool. I'm just going to transfer them to their bed. She literally would sleep for like five minutes in the car and would be up and ready to go for at least another five hours, like full of energy. I do not know how she does it. And I'm actually kind of jealous now that I'm saying this out loud. I'm like, man, I'm actually kind of jealous of that. I wish I could take a five minute nap and be like, Like, bam, good to go, five more hours, let's freaking do this. Shoot, I wish I could do that.

[9:58] But that has been our life for the last three years. By the time this episode airs, she's going to be three, which is wild.
So this is really the story of probably at least three and a half years, almost four, because it starts when I'm pregnant.
But the real story starts right after she was born. So as a working mom, having no sleep, It was challenging to say the least.
As you guys have heard in the first episode, I've always struggled with my hormones and my health.
It's always been something for me when it came to my health and having a baby didn't really like make that any different.
It honestly was, I felt better, I got pregnant, and then it was like my hormones just were all over the place again after having a baby, which is normal, that's totally normal, but.

[10:46] With someone that already struggles with that and was already low, I didn't expect how low I would feel after having a baby. It honestly brought new challenges. After having a baby.

[10:59] Showed me some pretty dark things I had been carrying around for a long time that I just never really wanted to address. It really started bringing a lot of those things to the surface for me and it was really scary and I did my normal thing where I would try to shove it back down and retreat away. But due to not having any sleep and trying to run a business, grow a business, be a mom now, balance being a wife, it's already hard to learn how to fall into this new rhythm of life, let alone have depression and anxiety creep in at an all-time high when you had already been experiencing that, it was a lot.

[11:45] To be perfectly honest with you, I don't remember much of 2020 or 2021, and it's a real shame because Trent and I, it was like all of our life goals and dreams started happening literally at the same time.
It was a lot to handle.
A lot of people looking into our life were like, wow, you're doing it, you have the dream, wow, you're amazing.
But what they didn't see behind closed doors was me, an absolute wreck.
I was completely numb.
I was completely numb for 2020, 2021, and yeah, all the way until like at least 2022, till about halfway through 2022.
So I really don't remember two and a half years.

[12:38] And when your body is going through hard things like that, it can honestly like as a protective mechanism, shut off memories and things that have happened to you to protect you.
So like when I say I don't remember things, I truly don't remember.
It's always really hard for me as a mom when people are like, when did this milestone happen for Lennon? When did this happen?

[13:01] And to not remember that is pretty hard, but I always have to give myself grace that you know what I was going through so much at that time.
So for me to keep her alive.
Keep me alive. It was a really, really big deal. And so I actually had one of my sister-in-laws actually said that to me, and it totally made me stop and think and be like, yeah, why am I putting all this pressure on myself to remember those things? But honestly, if that's happened to you, you're not the only one that doesn't remember stuff. I know some people in my life that remember everything. This is when they got their first tooth. This is when they had their first fever.
This is when they have a whatever. When they started crawling, I'm like, well, I kind of have roundabout knowings of when it happened, not like exact times. But anyway, I was completely numb.
In that time frame, I lived off of caffeine, I was gaining weight, and I had shut my emotions off for the most part just to survive. Again, that's another thing that your body does is.

[14:03] When you are in this point of survival, your body will literally go into the fight or flight and I was there, completely numb, literally trying to survive. My husband and I barely had a relationship because we were both just in survival mode. We both weren't sleeping, even though she mostly wanted me in the night. He was there trying to make sure that everything was okay, right? So it was like we both were just in survival mode and he was actually still in school at this time.
It was a really hard time. I had severe postpartum depression and anxiety and I was in total denial about it.

[14:42] Anytime someone would ask me if I had depression or anxiety, I would brush it off and I would say, Nope, I don't have that. I'm good. I'm good. I'm just really tired.
That's what I would say all the time.
That was like what I had coached myself to say, but every single time someone would ask me it was like I was shoving down that truth of how I really felt.
Where I was just wanting to scream for help, but I just didn't know how.
So I kept telling myself I had it all together, but it couldn't have been further from the truth.
We had so many exciting things happening at the time, like I was saying earlier.
We were finally in a position to buy a home, that was like a huge goal for us.
Trent was graduating from nursing school soon, and I was building my salon suite.
When I say we were doing this simultaneously, I mean it. I would go from a home design meeting.

[15:36] To literally meeting my contractors at the salon to take measurements or whatever. It was literally like it could it could have happened in the same day. We were having furniture delivered. So at the time we had moved to my in-laws home and bless them for housing us for six months. It was wild. My poor mother-in-law like getting furniture delivered for our house there, getting salon furniture delivered there. She was they were like the absolute best.
Best. Oh my gosh, it was just so nuts. But on the outside, I looked like I was building the dream, right? Like I was, we were building a home for our family. I was building this beautiful salon suite with amazing artists that I have always looked up to. We were all so excited for this, but none of them knew how much I was drowning. None of them knew. And I, I was just putting work in front of my feelings and really just pushing myself towards my goals when in actuality I should have been taking a step back to really focus on me and getting centered on me first because I started building a team of amazing renters. That was kind of like my next, Step and that's what I did any Step that you thought was next. I was taking it without really even.

[17:02] Thinking about it having a strategic plan in place Nothing. I was just moving because I was scared to stop moving and what I would feel if I stopped moving, So I started building a team of renters. I had an amazing assistant with big goals goals. She had already been working behind the chair, honestly, like dream assistant.
And I was doing the thing. But honestly, it was the biggest shitstorm of my life at that time. And everything was starting to come to a head. I had reached beyond my capacity of life. I had life coming at me from all sides. And honestly, I thought about taking my life three times in the first two years of Lennon's life. It was really hard in the, first year and a half, but it was really the first two years of her life. There was three times that I can think of right now exactly where I was and everything, and it was truly my darkest hour. On one side, I had all of my dreams in one palm of my hand. The other was the scariest, ugliest stuff coming to the surface.

[18:18] And with all of that, I had no idea how I was gonna balance it all.
I realized I needed to start making big changes, not only personally, but in my business as well.
Obviously, there was so many things that were not working.
There were so many things that from the outside looked amazing, but they weren't really what I wanted.
I started working on me and my marriage first, figuring out what I needed in the moment to start the healing process, to face this new version of me and find the good, because you moms out there will understand this.
When you have a baby, it's crazy the immediate change that just washes over you the second you push them out.
It is wild.
And I didn't know how to face that new version of me. And so I really had to do a lot of backtracking, a lot of healing to be able to kind of stand confidently.

[19:25] In this new version of me.
I realized a lot about myself.

[19:30] I realized that hair was not going to be the end of my story. And that was another huge, scary realization that I had was, hey, Linz, you're not going to be doing hair behind the chair forever. I realized that it was the very thing that I needed to catapult me into this.

[19:51] New version of me. That was truly the thing that was standing in my way, I guess, was one of the things was holding on to this idea that I had to be a hairdresser forever because that was my identity, right? Like as hairdressers, we really, and for how long I had been doing it for, I had been behind the chair for 12 years. I was known as Lindsay, the hairstylist, Lindsay, the hair extension expert, like that was, that was who I was. And so I didn't know how to be anyone else other than that version of me. And so I really had to figure out what made me me and what stories I was holding on to that I felt like I had to just to feel safe and secure and like how those could potentially be holding me back. When I realized that that was kind of like the thing that I needed to cut ties with to catapult me forward, that's really when my business consulting kind of started coming into play. I started marketing my business consulting a lot more. I had a full book of clients. I was doing the thing. And it's eventually long story short, what led me to this point.

[21:04] That I'm in right now talking to you guys about social media, except for today, we're talking about my story, but I'm telling you guys how I got to this point. But as you can imagine with trying to grow, heal and balance all the things, things started crumbling very quickly in my business especially. I was dropping the ball left and right. I wasn't there for for my team as much as they needed me to be.
I thought if I built a rental salon that things could just flow on their own.
I really thought that and that's kind of why I chose to have a rental space, but honestly it couldn't be further from the truth that it can flow on its own.
They still needed a leader regardless if it was a rental or a commission space, they still needed a leader there to lead them and guide them to how they can be their best version of themselves. Not even about business, but just giving them the confidence behind the chair, having that team vibe. But because I could barely get up each day, let alone put on a happy face to serve my clients, we've all had those days where the last thing you want to do is put a smile on your face and fake that everything's okay. That was literally my life for two years.

[22:23] And there were days where I was just like over it and I just I it took everything in me to even get out of bed but obviously something had to give because even trying to sustain that for two years that was way too long so as you can imagine I had a walkout and rightfully so it would have been wild if they would have stayed honestly I was pretty hurt by this walkout but I knew deep down that I had dropped the ball.
Like it was, it wasn't just, it was nothing with them.
It was me, right? Like, I had dropped the ball and I...

[23:01] Couldn't offer the best version of me to them and give them what they were needing or trying to find in a space. But also, they didn't know what was going on in my life. But from their point of view, they were like, what the heck? We have zero support here. So I decided to table everything.
So the walkout happened, I decided to table everything. I wasn't going to really try to to hire a team unless things just kind of fell into place naturally. I wasn't going to go like searching for it because I really needed to table everything and focus on the current things in my business. I did hair behind the chair two days a week and I coached the other two days. But as a salon owner or suite owner, you know, you're pretty much in your space every single day, whether you're cleaning, whether you're organizing, whether you're putting product out, like you're doing something. And all my two days behind the the chair, it was like I was working behind the chair, there was no time for any of that.
So literally, I was working almost every single day.

[24:05] I had played around with the idea of selling my space earlier because of obviously things that I was going through, but it ended up not feeling right for the potential buyer or for me.
And so I decided to just like keep moving forward in the space that I was at because I was like, we're just gonna stay here.
We're not gonna make any changes. we're just gonna stay here and we're gonna really figure out what's happening.
So I had been putting aside feelings of needing to step out from behind the chair for quite some time.
I didn't know why I was having those feelings other than maybe I was tired, maybe I was feeling burnt out, like that kind of stuff, but oh man, I was just so tied to that identity.
But in August of 2022, I was sitting on the beach with my family in California and I had just had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to sell my space.
It was wild. It was my time for me to step fully into this new thing that I had just started with social media management.
And that also terrified me because I only had one client at the time.

[25:19] One, I only had one client and I had this income over here coming in from hair and one client for social media management.
I was like, oh, the numbers just aren't adding up, right? So not even close to helping me feel comfortable about transitioning at all. And I was absolutely terrified with having this feeling wash over me.

[25:42] But I started crying because not only did I know that this is what I had to do, but I just felt so scared.
I felt so nervous.

[25:53] I was excited, I felt so grateful. It was just this wave of emotions that hit me so hard.
And that's just why I knew that this was the time. I didn't know what the timetable would look like just yet when I was sitting on the beach, but I knew that I needed to do that. In my head, I started thinking like, okay, my lease is up in March. I would probably have to start selling at this point, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, like as a business owner, your brain just kind of starts going. Oh, but man, my family had no clue what was happening as I was sitting there crying on the beach. They had no idea I was even crying because there was people everywhere on the the beach, the waves were crashing, Lennon and her and my nephew were playing, like they were paying attention to the kids, they weren't paying attention to me.
And they had no clue. They had no freaking clue. And I didn't say anything to anyone.
Like I didn't have makeup on that day. So they didn't even know that I hadn't even cried at the beach.
But three days later, so again, no one knows anything. I didn't even tell Trent anything.
I was just kind of sitting in this huge wave of emotions that had just hit me between my eyes.
So three days later, I had got this text message out of the blue from the stylist that wanted to purchase my space the last time I was trying to sell.

[27:10] And she just asked me if I was selling. Like there was no small talk, nothing.
She literally just cut to the chase and was like, hey, I just wanted to ask you if you were looking to sell your space.
Literally that simple of a text. And I was totally in shock. I was just like there, there's no way there's no way. So I sat with him for a little bit. I talked to Trent and I'm like, I mentioned it to him. I tell him about my experience on the beach. I mentioned the text message and he asked, like, what, what am I, what am I going to do with it? And without hesitation, so confidently, I just said, I'm going to sell my space. I don't think he had ever heard me feel that confident when it came to talking about my space.

[28:01] So, I started getting the ball rolling and by the time she had signed the contract and moved forward with the space, to me being down behind the chair, it was only 7 weeks.

[28:15] 7 weeks. The craziest thing about this was that everything literally just started falling into place.
For her contract, her other contract she was in to be done by that time, to everything, I was just like, this is not a coincidence.
And many people that hear the story asked me if it was hard for me to leave my clients and the salon life.
And honestly, no, it was not hard for me.
And I know that could sound really harsh to say like, Oh, you don't care about your clients. No, I do. And I still do, honestly, But I just knew that that was what I needed to be doing at that time.
And there was like no doubt in my mind that the amazing contacts and people that I knew that did hair in the area, I knew my clients were going to be so well taken care of.
Like that was never a scary thought in my mind.
I'm very fortunate to know so many great stylists in this area to be able to help them that I was like, okay, all right, so and so is going to be a perfect fit for you.
All right, so-and-so is gonna be a perfect fit for you.
And to my knowledge, it's worked out so great. And I'm just so grateful for my clients in supporting me on this transition as well.

[29:37] But I will say the thing that I miss the most behind the chair is the conversations that I had with them.
And you guys know this, like with your own clients, nothing beats having conversations with them about life.

[29:52] I had been opened up to so many ideas and got to share in so many of their special moments in their life, like marriages, kids, and grandkids, and everything in between, and I truly miss celebrating those moments with them.
But the funny thing is, every experience you've had up to this point was supposed to happen for some reason, right?
So the good, the bad, it was supposed to happen for some reason.
You were supposed to have those conversations with your clients for some reason.
You were supposed to go through these hard times for a reason, right?
But man, for months, I felt like I was the biggest failure. So like after this crazy thing happened with selling the space, I sell the space, I transition out of doing hair, I truly felt like I was the biggest failure.
I was like, I had poured all of this time and energy and money, oh my gosh, into my salon space to make it what I thought it should be and for it to quote unquote fail like I thought it had was really hard for me to kind of come to terms with.

[31:01] And what I didn't realize at the time was all the lessons that had taught me, and how I was going to be able to help other stylists within their business from these situations I was in in the last three years.

[31:16] From all of the things I would change, because there's so many things I would change.
When it comes to being a leader, salon owner, growing a team, marketing my business, you, You truly never know what life is going to bring you, teach you, and who you are going to cross paths with in the future.
You never know who needs to hear these stories from you of your failures, your triumphs.
They are all important.
But honestly, I feel like the failures are even more important to share because those are the things that we never talk about.
And truly, you guys have probably heard this quote before where it's like, are failures actually failures or do they help you actually propel yourself forward? It's in some degree like that. I don't know the actual quote, but it's something like that. And it's true. When you look back at the hard times in your life for things that you felt like didn't go right, do you look back now and you're like, wait, it needed to go that way because I needed to learn X or X, Y, Z, right? From that one situation. So my question for you is, will you always allow those hard things in your life to affect you in a negative way.
Because we tend to look at failures as negative, right? So are you going to allow those things to affect you in a negative way? Or will you learn from them and keep moving forward?

[32:37] Because I've seen a lot of stylists who go through really hard things, like we all go through very hard things in life. There's no one that's immune to that. Yes, people are dealt different cards and things like that, but I truly believe that whatever card we're dealt is meant to help not just us, but someone else that we're going to cross paths with. So are you going to allow that to affect you in a negative way and take you down a completely different path? Or are you going to learn from it and keep moving forward and be open to sharing that story with others?
The point is, being a stylist is hard. I mean, it really is. Like we are serving other people, we are trying to pour into ourselves and our family, and it's really freaking hard. Shoot, being a human is even hard. Know that you are not alone in life feeling hard. You're not.
I know some of the amazing leaders in the industry that I personally look up to and that I have the privilege of working with. They also have their own hard days.
You truly never know how people really are, right? Like we only see this version that they put out into the world. It's probably a confident, strong looking version of themselves, but you never know what someone is going through in life. So this is your reminder.

[34:02] To be kind when things in your salon aren't going right. Like if the salon owner is a whackadoo, like I don't know. It's just sometimes there are situations that you're like, what is happening? Because guess what? That was me. Or maybe like a team member is, I don't know, there's like a situation going on with the team member or just someone in your life is just, different or you know just I don't know it's just you're having confrontation with or whatever know that they are also fighting a battle that you cannot see so, this is your reminder to just be kind but with all of that being said I'm gonna encourage you to do two things so number one is I want you to list out what you're grateful for now this might sound a little crazy coming from a a social media podcast, but social media is so much more than just social media.
It's really who you are to your core that you can reflect out onto the internet confidently, and show who you are in your brand.
So this is why doing the inner work is very important, actually, when it comes to your social media.

[35:11] It's not just about how many times a day you post. It's not just about when you post, how many hashtags you use, do you do X, Y, Z. Like no, it is so much more than that.
So today I wanna encourage you to number one, list things out that you are grateful for.
Gratitude really helped me and still helps me see the good even in the darkest and hardest of times.

[35:36] Number two, I want you to share your story with your audience.

[35:41] They need to hear who you are and maybe one of them needs to hear exactly what's on your heart today.
You never know who needs to hear your story or what you have to say.
If you find yourself struggling and you're listening to this, just know I am here to support you.
My DMs are always open to you and I will be a listening ear if you need one.
Cause I know that can be really hard sometimes to know who you could trust, who you could talk to and I'm here to listen if you need me.
So if you have any questions, comments, or a topic you would like me to cover on the podcast, Please also shoot me a DM on Instagram.
You can DM me at luxwithlynds.
I would love to hear from you.
But lastly, I just wanted to say thank you so much for listening to today.
Tune in next week for some more social media tips.
It's gonna be so, so good. Trust me, you are not going to wanna miss it.
So, I will see you guys next week.